Now, before I begin, I want to assure you all that this is NOT about a particular person! I don’t even remember what my train of thought was, I just found myself contemplating the cattiness of women while I was in the shower. It was probably propagated by something I was thinking about that I said or did to one of my kids, and cringing at the thought of what another mother might think of it.
So I’m in there, ruminating, and I decided I wanted to have my say about it. First of all, I don’t get along with (most) women. I’m one of many who just don’t understand or participate in this mind-boggling cattiness that runs rampant through the females of our species. I find this behavior off-putting, and I tend to seek friendship with males. Men are simpler. They generally speak their minds (when they think a thought is worth speaking), and there’s none of that bitchy back-stabby-ness about them. Oops, to clarify: STRAIGHT men. Although I’m sure there are exceptions to that, too. My best friend in the whole world is a man. What do we talk about? Mostly we swear, tell dirty jokes, talk about video games, and nerd out. And fart and scratch our junk. And spit loogies. We’ve had our differences, but they’ve been relatively minor. None of that “OMG you just told me this lipstick looks trashy, we aren’t friends anymore!” bullshit. A lot of my best friends have been guys. I find the company of men to be a stroll through a park, compared to the MINE FIELD of trying to get along with women.
Back on track – mothers are even WORSE about this shit than childless women. We use our children as some sort of fucked up score card whereby we can compare how much OTHER mothers suck. Its probably some weird way of building up our self esteem, reassuring ourselves that we are not, in fact, horrible mothers. Because THAT bitch is way worse.
I have to say, I hate that. I hate it when another mother, either overtly or internally, criticizes my parenting. Look, none of us is perfect at this. We know that. There’s been a bombardment of articles talking about the pressure on women to be “perfect” and that there is no such thing. So why isn’t it sinking in?!
Okay, seriously though, I am guilty of this as well. Maybe not in a bitchy way, but I definitely stick my nose in. I think every time I see my sister and/or her kids I have some pearl of wisdom to share regarding how she should be raising them. Well, I need to shut it. She’s doing the best she can, considering she’s a single mom and like the rest of us, is imperfect. So, me, fuck off! While there are MANY books on parenting out there, there is no children’s owners manual. Well, there might be, I’ll check Amazon later. But for the sake of argument, let’s say I’m right. Well why isn’t there? How long have humans been around, doing this whole reproducing bit and all? Because – and I can’t stress this enough – no. two. are. alike.
Of course, we’ll use mine for example! My oldest, as you may or may not know, is mildly autistic. We knew around 2 or 3 he wasn’t like other kids, but it was nothing we couldn’t handle. I did read books on autism, and they did help me immensely when working with him. The thing about NE is that he’s predictable, for the most part. Because he has concrete thinking and behaviors, etc. After 13 years, I know how he thinks. Dealing with him is pretty much a step-by-step playbook I keep in my head. I know what to say, how to say it, how NOT to say it. Which, believe me, is an achievement. With NE we had to learn to word things in just the right way so his brain could process it. I can’t even begin to tell you the acrobatics I’ve done with him on math homework, just to be able to communicate a concept to him in a way that made sense. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not stupid, not by a long margin. His brain just processes information differently. And we just learned to speak his language.
HI was born when NE was almost 5, and we didn’t know what to expect. We knew at the time that autism did seem to be genetic, but we weren’t too concerned, knowing that NE was born before hubby and I ever met, and therefor had a different father. So yeah, we anticipated having a “normal” baby. I honestly thought this would be EASIER! Then when she turned out to be an absolute terror, I decided it must be because she’s female. (Ha! Talk about theme-ing.) So, 23 months later, when NY was on the way, I PRAYED SO HARD for a boy. Well, we got him. And God laughed and laughed. I love him with all my heart, regardless of whether he has a penis or a vagina or both or neither. But sweet baby jesus he has been a very difficult child. If you’ve followed this blog, you know. You’ve seen all our dirty secrets. I’m just trying to emphasize here. ADHD boy has been more difficult by far than the other two, but the key point I’m trying to make is that they’re all so very unique.
None of these children are “easy” to handle, per se. They all have their own challenges, and I think that is the MOST challenging aspect of parenting them. Empathy works on NE, but doesn’t work on NY – he needs structure and authority. HI is very insecure and emotional, but NE doesn’t need the kind of coddling she does. One is a girl, two are boys. One likes reading, one likes computers, one likes creating chaos How can you possibly find a single book to teach you how to properly address all of these incredibly different personalities?
Ya know, I get a lot of criticism from people who don’t have kids, too. “My kids will be raised to respect people/things/God/authority/my-rigid-way-of-thinking.” Wellllll let me tell ya… when you DO have kids, you’re gonna shit that stick outta yer ass pretty quickly. They aren’t your little robots, to be programmed the way YOU want them to be. They have a personality and will of their own. “Disillusioned” is the word that comes to mind! I’m not saying that kids can’t be taught some of these things, I’m just saying that you don’t have enough time to run your brain-washing laboratory and work and do the housework too. Ah, in a perfect world…
Anyway, we were discussing bitchy women, right? Yes. Well. I’ve never been that mom that is friends with all the other moms, or gets involved in school or neighborhood activities with all the other parents. Mostly its because I have this social-phobia thing where I don’t like being subjected to constant criticism from people who think their baby’s shit don’t stink. So yeah, when my daughter is playing soccer, I stand a little ways away from the other “soccer moms”. I don’t fit that mold – I know it – and I know they will know it too as soon as I open my mouth. Because every third word that comes out is inevitably “fuck” and they (probably) will not approve. Fuck that shit. I’d rather be off in my little corner, Facebook messaging my best friend about that massive crap he took this morning. Yeah, I just said that.
I do avoid interacting with women my age a lot of the time. I’m not saying I NEVER get along with women – some of my best women friends have gotten me through some pretty rough times (I’m lookin at you, Hawaii girls!) But some women… as soon as they look at you, you can feel this kind of maternal hostility radiating off of them, and I’m just not getting anywhere near that shit. If you are this woman, omfg STAHP for the love of JESUS stop! Stop being a bitch, stop trying to size up every other mom you see so as to immediately detect her flaws. She may not be like you, and she may do things differently but hey, like our kids, all mothers are unique.